I can’t write this morning because my heart is broken

“Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.” ~Veronica Roth

For hours I’ve sat, empty.

Hollow.

Unable to sleep. Not even able to meditate or pray.

A friend’s twelve-year-old daughter died last night. They turned off her life support. I sat with her and her family and supported them through that awful night, and then when I could do no more I came home.

This little girl didn’t die from cancer, some terrible illness, an accident…

She died because she had been relentlessly bullied and cyber-bullied at the boarding school where her family had thought she was happy and safe. She died because she’d tried to take her own life and she did enough damage that her parents had to finish what she began.

She was twelve. Small as a bird. She’d loved horses and books and playing the violin and baking cupcakes.

Her soul is free now. She has returned to love. We found that space of love together with her last night, and the room was peaceful afterwards, and calm.

But all I can think about this morning was how tiny her body was in that large bed, and how her mother was white with grief and her father broke in front of me and I had no words to make sense of this. For them, or for me.

Hi! I'm Nicole Cody. I am a writer, psychic, metaphysical teacher and organic farmer. I love to read, cook, walk on the beach, dance in the rain and grow things. Sometimes, to entertain my cows, I dance in my gumboots. Gumboot dancing is very under-rated.
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36 thoughts on “I can’t write this morning because my heart is broken

  1. I’m am so sorry and saddened to hear about this 12 year old little girl. Can’t imagine the grief you and the family are going through. May God’s loyal love give you comfort during this difficult time, Psalms 119:76. If all people would follow the golden rule and treat others the way you want to be treated, tragedies like this would not happen

  2. Dearest Nicole,

    That is such a sad,sad thing to happen to a child, just a child. Twelve years… would have gone by in a blink. Now the parents… how many years trapped in that sorrow. My heart goes out to them. Can’t justify the pain and hurt that the child had to put up with, but was anything worth losing her precious life over it. I m sorry , but it’s painful , too much to bear and I m just the other person who came to know of this tragedy.
    Lots of prayers

  3. Sending loving hugs to you, Nicole, and to this young girl’s family. She’s now at peace. 🙏 for all of you ❤️ xxooxx

    I have a little person that I support who has endured years of bullying because of a gentle nature and for being seen as “different”. The physical abuse has stopped this year, but the taunts are still there. School can be such a difficult chapter to navigate at the best of times, but an unbearable one when emotionally uneducated kids see it as their right to lash out at others.

    I used to tell my children that school bullies were usually being bullied themselves at home and were to be pitied more than feared. I don’t know if my theory holds any water in today’s world.

  4. Oh Nicole, As you sit drained from giving of yourself to help in this unfathomable event, I hope the good that is also out there begins to fill your well. Your friend’s daughters life mattered and her death will effect so many. Even perhaps those who had partaken in the bullying. I can only pray that they too feel the effect of her passing and understand the powers we all have on one another in both positive and negative ways. Bless you for being one who elevates everyone you meet to a higher positive level. Prayers for your friends. May the tears they continue to shed begin to soften and their hearts begin to mend over time. Sending Much Love, Sally

  5. So gut wrenchingly sad,poor child,feeling that this was the only answer,anxety and pain that made her seek escape in this tragic way.Her poor parents!My heart hurts for them all.What makes bullies?why do they do this?We had bullies at school, a nasty bunch,the “cool girls”and nothing was ever done to punish their spite.I hope they are found out and expelled at the very least.Lordy,I want to hold you,make you tea,let you weep May you be blessed today with peace , licks from your dogs and and hugs from your partner..xxxx

  6. My heart goes out to the family. I know exactly how their daughter felt.
    I was bullied as a child and as a teenager.
    I am now 60+ and I still remember the bullying as if it was yesterday.
    There is no sense to this just unimaginable grief.
    The only comfort they have is that she is now at peace…perfect peace.
    Rest easy little one.

  7. Oh I am so sorry that you, this beautiful family and this precious little girl had to go through this all. Blessing and love surrounding you all.

  8. Feeling so heavy inside reading your blog Nicole. Reflecting back to our kids all being away at boarding school and the challenge of that for parents and kids. Constantly questioning in the early days when the pain of separation is so great and yet underneath having some confidence they were at least safe. Jamie our eldest was very homesick and sad- too gentle and kind for the system. I can remember howling and cursing the fact we lived where we lived. But he was safe and now his compassion has him working at Headspace with young people and mental wellbeing. That was all before the days of cyber anything and all the daily horrors kids witness in the media. Sending you and her family such love.

  9. Sending prayers for your and your friends. Sending love and light to the soul of this little girl. Be gentle with yourself. You are loved.

  10. Sending you and this dear young girl and her family comfort and love. Feels like so many young, vibrant and beautiful souls are leaving this earth right now for this very reason. I don’t understand how such cruelty to one another continues to be a part of our earthly experience and the young souls right now are so deeply sensitive and seem to have so much more to deal with than I remember having when I was their age. It is heart wrenching.

  11. I can find not words Nicole, how do you find words to comfort the intensity of grief that comes when a child leaves this earth. My heart is overwhelmed with the sorrow felt and all I can do is send love and compassion to you and a heart broken family. May the precious soul of this wee girl, journey safely into the arms of the Divine.

  12. So heart breaking seeing friends and family going through this unimaginable grief. Being in similar positions not knowing if who and when will this tragedy may befall another of our family or friends families again this seems in epidemic proportions. Condolences to the family and to you all. Love and prayers for her soul.

  13. I am so sorry for your loss. I was bullied, too. Horribly. One of the reasons I never had children of my own. Kids can be very cruel. And contrary to the old saying, words CAN hurt.

  14. I am so truly sorry for all that they, and you have been through. Words cannot express the shock and grief and sheer emptiness you must all be feeling. I have no words nor the imagination to say that I can understand, I can only say that my energy stands quietly behind you, sending you the strength you need to be what they needed. I’m glad for their sake that they had you, I’m glad for that little girl that in all the grief and pain and guilt, she had you there at the end. We stand between the worlds and guide, we stand witness to these awful, awful times. It’s all we can do, be there for each other, and your readers are right here for you. Gentle blessings on this sad day. I am sending you all energy. I hope that the authorities track these vile bullies and deal with them, it cannot bring this sweet angel back, but it can stop it happening again. Standing with you in spirit and gentleness.

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