Did I Just Eye-Roll Myself?

 

“Your breathing should flow gracefully, like a river, like a watersnake crossing the water, and not like a chain of rugged mountains or the gallop of a horse. To master our breath is to be in control of our bodies and minds. Each time we find ourselves dispersed and find it difficult to gain control of ourselves by different means, the method of watching the breath should always be used.”
~ Thích Nhất Hạnh, The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation

Hey, Lovelies.

A funny thing happened to me yesterday afternoon.

I was hunched over in the bathroom, wracked with pain, trying to get control of my breathing, waiting for the next round of nausea, and this thought hit me.

Maybe I’m being unrealistic about how what’s on my to-do list right now.

And yes, I eye-rolled myself, because OF COURSE I AM!!!

All I did was trade out one list for another. If I’m too sick to do this, I’ll do that instead…

Because goodness knows I need to stay productive.

Except that I don’t.

That’s an old pattern. One which needs breaking.

It reminded me of how I have done all of this before, back in 2014, 2014 and 2015 when I first did this Lyme treatment. Back then, as well as my treating Lyme Doctor, I also had an incredible local doctor and acupuncturist in Byron Bay who helped me manage the worst of the symptoms. Even so, I really struggled. Of course, I also wrote LOTS of posts about how bad it was, and how hard.

Most of which I had conveniently forgotten. Until now.

Because, the upshot of all that misery was that it gave me back my life. It restored a level of cognitive function and energy that allowed me to write again, and to travel. To work more ambitiously. To be a little more engaged with the world. So it was easy to push the price of that recovery to the back of my mind.

Fast forward to 2025. I’m facing 18 months of treatment, possible two years, or as my new doctor said, maybe three. I have good emotional support, but no-one so far who works the kind of magic that my wonderful Byron doctor did. I’m also ten years older. With a weaker heart, and more systemic damage.

It’s time for me to re-evaluate and go slower. Let myself stop when things get so bad that I can’t function.

Luckily I still have Ben to help get me through the worst nights, with his crazy stories and tender care.

I can do this. I just have to find a better way to manage this epic journey.
I need to be more gentle with myself.
Time for some big pattern-breaking!!!
Lots of love, and the amazing restorative powers of a Tiger Balm inhaler (that a dear friend gave me and which has been TOTALLY LIFE SAVING!!), Nicole xx