Not knowing…

Image from
Image from

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”~ Paulo Coelho

Is it better to know or not know?

It’s a question I’ve asked myself so many times that I can no longer trust the answer.

I am dancing a slow dance with something that is robbing me of my life, in pieces so tiny and inconsequential that it seems, some days, like it’s all in my imagination.

Constantly I adjust my gaze.  Shift to a new paradigm of normal. And each time my world diminishes a little bit more.

When my gaze is recentered I look for the positive, the uplifting, the beautiful.

At times, I’m Blessed with expansion. Or sometimes I force it and pay the price later. But isn’t that what life is for?  For living?

I try not to look beyond the boundaries of my shrunken world.  To do that is to long for a life I can’t have right now. Possibilities and choices left far behind.  I’ve seen what that does to people.  It fills them with bitterness and regret. It sucks the goodness out of what remains.

We, all of us, live with diminishment, doors closed, things ended, storms that come and wash it all away.

And if it wasn’t for this unknown thing, I never would have explored this rich inner world, and the worlds beyond that. I think that’s a fair trade-off.

It’s still a beautiful life. It’s still good here in my little corner, even as the storms pass over.  The trick is learning to dance in the rain, while I wait for the sun to come out again…

Hi! I'm Nicole Cody. I am a writer, psychic, metaphysical teacher and organic farmer. I love to read, cook, walk on the beach, dance in the rain and grow things. Sometimes, to entertain my cows, I dance in my gumboots. Gumboot dancing is very under-rated.
Posts created 3092

48 thoughts on “Not knowing…

  1. So sorry to hear you are unwell but glad you are resting and enjoying some time out with those delightful dogs. Your posts are so inspiring i hope everything you give to all of us can be given back to you with all of our thought of love and healing being sent to you xx

  2. Thinking of you, Nicole… Had to drop by once more because I’m so grateful to be a part of this amazing community — what a wonderful flow of LOVE. And all because of YOU, ma belle amie. Hope you are being cared for and that you will be better soon. Praying for you. (((hugs))) xoxo

  3. That is so true. I have only recently come to your blog site and you have given me so much love and support in this short time.
    I only wish for the best for you and for you to get back magnified all the support you have given to me and to others.
    I wish for you the best things in life and as a Trekkie. “Live long and prosper”
    Get well
    Love and hugs

  4. My heart burst through my chest and split in two and then enveloped you in tenderness and protection. Your words broke through my surface world of activity and I felt an enormous ache. I send you all the love in the world.PLEASE, PLEASE, REST…… have put so many people back on their feet…….it is your time now. Have those gumboots, waiting, ready to go at the foot of the bed where you will re-energise and re-nourish every cell in your body. Love Lynettexxxx

  5. I can relate to your post. I’m watching other people manifesting beautiful things in their lives. And while I would like to feel happy for these people, I just feel sad that the stuff I want hasn’t arrived yet. It will eventually arrive in my life and in the meantime, I do what I can to not grow bitter and impatient.

  6. My dear Guru, Nicole. Recently I have found myself acknowledging the toughest times have sharpened me in ways I could not have imagined. Your blogs have helped me cope enormously. Thank you. I wish to share an insight with you: uncertainty brings with it, renewed opportunity to acknowledge the awesome Powers of the Universe. Which can change all things. This is a feeling we might have missed if not for these difficult times. There is, at least, that.

  7. Beautiful sista – I hear you. Not knowing, I find is one of the hardest things, but trust darling as you always do, and dance in the rain because as soon as you let go…and give over to it, the sun will begin to shine again. Sending you bucket loads of love, healing and faery dust ♥ Much love gorgeous ♥

  8. Hi Nicole,
    This may sound a bit funny but lots of lovely things come out in the rain. You are one of the most beautiful human beings that I have never met but have felt so much love. You have so much support to help you through what ever it is at this time you are goung through. The rain brings life into the world and I hope you can feel all the healing energies and love we are all sending to you.
    Lots of love and light.****

  9. This must be very frustrating. Sometimes you just want things to be a bit easier, without the constant challenges that see you having to adjust constantly and change your expectations. As you demonstrate so well, nothing is wasted, you can learn from every experience. If you can find the positive in your life regardless of circumstances you have wealth no amount of money can buy. Much love to you.xoxo

  10. The boundaries of my shrunken world- those words touched my soul and my heart goes out to you, I know that shrunken world and the days when you wonder what it is all about and you forget that being normal or doing what seems so ordinary can set you back a step or too. I pray for you tonight and send you healing light and love. Your very presence is so uplifting for so many. As you say life is for living. Yes these journeys do allow us to explore this rich inner world which brings and gives joy.
    Namaste Suzie xxoo

  11. Beautiful and strong and brave words, Nic. <3 Makes my heart squeeze with empathy and love.
    And there is so much in your words above that resonate with maybe all of us. All of us have restrictions and limitations of one kind or another, that life has imposed on us, whether that be an illness, or a broken relationship at a crucial time in life, or a death, or a birth, or living in a place of limited employment opportunities or … etc etc etc.
    Makes me also think on how, when you try to live a life that is more in tune and respectful of Earth's natural limits, it can feel like a big restriction compared to how many other humans are living, and you can feel kinda Grinch-like, Scrooge-like, miserly and frugal in a tight, controlled, boring sort of way. But so much of that is in the mind, the attitude. As you have proven over and over in these blog-posts, it really IS the simple things, the simple, often FREE pleasures, that give the most joy.
    Nic, I wish you bloomings of deep joy and pleasure wherever you are, whatever the limitations. You are more than worthy <3 <3 <3

  12. I feel I know you. I know I feel you. You are a very precious connection in my life. Without your love, the last year would not have been filled with gratitude… and faith that all will be well. Sending you beautiful music for you to dance to… and LOVE LOVE LOVE xoxo

  13. Dear Nicole, you have and do enrich so many lives, it must surely warm that beautiful BIG loving heart of yours. You are using the gift of love to heal so many lives. All your blogs are gems and sparkling diamonds which shine brilliantly! Your life is magical and very special. Your loved ones are truly blessed to have you in their lives. An abundance of love is being sent to you each day which will provide you with serenity and peace. Your acceptance of your situation is wonderful for all of us to learn from. Love and Hugs xxxx ooooo

  14. Well I’m sending lots of sunshine your way Nicole.. Lots of Bubbles and Butterflies and fairies too. With Rainbows an Sparkles everywhere, The kids and I send love to you. <3 *~*~**~*~*~*~*<3

  15. You Dear Sweetheart thankyou for your beautifully written communication, rest and pamper with your darling creatures you have around you and absorb all the loving vibrations being sent to you through the airwaves, xxxxoooo.

  16. A beautiful expression of capturing what imho is the hardest emotional sensation to get a handle on – “not knowing”. Even though others can be harsh, painful, agonizing, there is a handle to grip. This one, it is so very tricky to even find the handle, let alone find a way to hold it, to breathe through it.

    You know this already and it is good to find reminders that this too shall pass. Remember what you do know and may this move through to the next chapter. Sending love, light and healing to you.

  17. Hello gorgeous one, Sending you lots of beautiful love and light as you rest up bella. Maybe you can do some ‘dancing on the inside’ while you are recharging in readiness to get out there in the rain again. There are an enormous amount of healing energies around you at this time from so many different sources – wow and soooooooooooo much love!!!! I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and meditations Gorgeous Gumboot Girl xxxxxxoooooo

  18. Blessings coming your way Nicole xoxox You have helped so many people in their times of need. Those people are now helping you in your time of need. Know that we’re all thinking of you and waiting for the sun to come out too <3

  19. What I love about you is your honesty in how you are feeling and how you see the world…even when it is through a veil of sadness. I think all your loyal readers would ‘dance in the rain’ with you and for you. Blessings to you, Nicole.


    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.

    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor.

    Welcome and entertain them all!
    Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
    who violently sweep your house
    empty of its furniture,
    still, treat each guest honorably.
    He may be clearing you out
    for some new delight.

    The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
    meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

    Be grateful for whatever comes.
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond.

    — Jelaluddin Rumi,
    translation by Coleman Barks

  21. Love and light to you. You are such a beautiful, special and generous person. I feel blessed to have you in my life. Dance it up sister! XO

  22. Thinking of you constantly Nicole. My heart aches for wanting to help and knowing I cannot. Your words are painful in thier rawness, but I admire your courage for your openness. I know how much you guard your privacy, but, in the words at the end of David Bowie/Jennifer Connelly “Layrinth”:- ” if I can help, yes, should you need me” ……. just call.
    Much love, Gratitude and Blessings always, dearest, <3 Susan

  23. Sending you a big soft & tender hug just for U…dancing in the rain has been on my mind for awhile now…time to become less serious and more playful! Just want to thank you for your beautiful timely post and for the constant reminder to be grateful for what we have and for this amazing journey we are experiencing here on Planet Earth…XXXX

  24. Yes. . .words, our glorious words, at times don’t do the job. But something is felt behind the words. . .it’s here where we connect. Beauty is, was and will always be. . .and we have our journey here on Earth. . .but something inside, regardless of what, sings the praises. . .of the opportunity we’ve been given. . .for however long. . .lots and lots and lots of Love dearest Nicole. . .be comforted by your own special Love. . .all around you now for sure. . . .lotsa luv marilynxxxxxxxxxx

  25. Dear NC, wishing I could take this thing away. I’m sure many others can also relate to the feelings of not being able to ‘be’ everything that you want and the pain that causes. Love you, bet the hounds are soaking up this time with you xoxo

  26. Much love gratitude for what you share with us! Such a beautiful perfect and timely message. Your always in my heart and thoughts. Thank you thank you thank you . Xxxx

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Related Posts

Begin typing your search term above and press enter to search. Press ESC to cancel.

Back To Top
%d bloggers like this: