What May Come

“Fate is never fair. You are caught in a current much stronger than you are; struggle against it and you’ll drown not just yourself but those who try to save you. Swim with it, and you’ll survive.” 
~ Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

 

 

This morning I have gained perspective.

It’s not much, but it’s something.

Today my head’s above water, I can breathe, and I am no longer in a state of panic.

 

Have you ever had a time in your life where it’s just one thing after another?

Right now, my friend, I’m there.

I’m caught up in the current and there’s no chance of getting my feet on solid ground any time soon.

It’s all due to Lyme Disease.

Sunday I herxed so badly from my treatment that I ended up having seizures.  On top of all the other pain. On top of all the other agonies.  My cranial nerve became inflamed and I lost the ability to think and speak clearly. My eye puffed up like a toad. I stuttered and stammered and finally ached my way into an exhausted sleep.

Yesterday it was off to the doctors for more tests, more scans, and eventually, more bad news. Some of it completely unexpected.  You know how it is when you’re so busy fighting the fire in front of you that you completely miss the raging inferno just over your shoulder.  Yesterday I felt like I just couldn’t take a trick. I was completely overwhelmed. I wondered how I was going to do this.  I had no idea how I could cope.

The truth is, the bacteria that have been colonising my body for nearly thirty years have wreaked havoc.  Today I can hold the pictures in my hands of the battlefield that is my body.

These bacteria have been waging war in me for a long time, and its shows. They’ve done damage to my endocrine system, my neurological function, my heart.  They’ve damaged my kidneys, my gallbladder, my liver. They are in my bones, my cells, my organs, my fatty tissues, my brain.

As a result I need major surgery.  That wasn’t on my current list of things I have to cope with.

We fled the city and came home to our little farm last night so I could get some breathing space.  I sat on the veranda sipping tea in the cool night air and talking to the owls. And finally I went to bed, and had my first full night’s sleep in ages.

barn owl

Now morning is here again.

I’m back to feeling like I can do this after the momentary horror of the past few days.  In fact, today I’m even going to do some work – which I am very much looking forward to!

Okay, maybe I’m limping and lurching and none too graceful, but hey – I’m still in the game.

Doctors are finally taking me seriously.  They have to.  My body’s a mess and the evidence is right in front of them, in my bloods and my scans.

Please don’t be telling me that all I need right now is to adjust my attitude, pray, eat greens or some magical network marketing product, speak to the right Angel or clear my old emotions.

I’ve been doing that for years.  And you know what – it has had a very positive affect.  I’m still alive and functioning, when I should be long dead.  My pain levels are tolerable when I should have jumped off a bridge by now.

People, there is a war going on inside me.  And instead of peaceful resistance, or allowing this hostile occupation, I am now aggressively defending my boundaries. The drugs and herbs I’m taking are making me feel awful, at times worse than dying, but I have proof that they are working. Right now, I’m using everything at my disposal.  It’s down to the wire for me, and I’m not ready to give up just yet.

I need surgery.  Sooner rather than later.

Well, sometimes that’s what has to happen.

Surgeons and doctors have an important place in the world, and I’m a bit over people with their New Age fundamentalist philosophies telling me that I can’t trust the medical profession and all I need to do is work on myself or see some energy healer.

Honestly. I’ve tried all that anyway, and I think it rocks (hello, I’m a practicing psychic for goodness sakes) but…  that is such a limited and medieval view of the world.

I will take each day as it comes.  I will use the many conventional and alternative choices available to me.

I will accept that for now my feet won’t be touching solid ground for a while, and that I must go with the flow. (There – how much more New Age can you get? 🙂  )

If I can’t swim, I can float. I can give in to the current and see where it will take me.

If I relax, I can even muster a little optimism and a curiosity for what may come.

I’m doing my best to stay open, to live from my heart and find something beautiful in every single day.  And you know what?  If I don’t get caught up in my head, if I don’t lose myself to fear, it’s not so hard to do…

There are rich blessings in this journey.  And so much to be grateful for.  It’s all a matter of perspective.

52 thoughts on “What May Come

  1. Oh good heavens. I’m very sorry to hear that! But screw what anyone else thinks – you do what works for you, and it sounds like it is working, so more power to you. There’s nothing wrong with modern medicine, and no reason to think it isn’t a gift from God or Source or whatever you care to call it. Use whatever combination of whatever you want to get feeling better, and bless you for hanging in there. Much love from me and everybody else here, obviously. <3 <3 <3

    • this is a totally beautiful and appropriate response to nicole! yes indeed! God does come and do work in the form of doctors and healers of all kinds. we each have to follow our own path to healing. sending you love and healing from around the globe.

  2. Oh Nicole. That news must be devastating after everything you have already been through. I am thinking of you as will about a million other people sending you love and support. May the best woman in the world win. Much love to you xx

  3. Hi Nicole. I was sad to read your post this morning. It’s difficult to put any words on paper, apart to say that you are in my thoughts. Your ‘lot in life’ only makes me appreciate the gift of my own life. Thank you for sharing your life, especially the painful side. For what it’s worth, I think you are extremely courageous. And we have to do what is right for us, regardless. I’m about to sit down to write a daily questions, ‘What am I grateful for?’. I know what I will write today. I’ll be thinking of you today and sending my love and energy down to you there. XX

  4. positive thoughts are being sent your way. one can only imagine what you are going thru.

    Thank you for this line “I will take each day as it comes. I will use the many conventional and alternative choices available to me.” It touched a nerve for me. You are correct, people judge you based on the method(s) you choose to follow when they should be providing you support.

    I only recently found your blog and wish I had found you sooner.

    thoughts & peace.

  5. Dear Nicole
    Each morning as I start my day reading your blog, I am astounded by your sharing. The depth and honesty of your perspective and the blend of courage and surrender you have. This morning I had a deep sense that what is happening to you is almost like a microcosmic reflection of what is happening across the planet at the present time. Major systems are in the process of undergoing immense change and concurrently trying to hold on grimly to what has been. Through the increased transparency we have with the Internet and social media, we can see the profound and wonderful individuals and groups who are creating amazing collaborative change and also those less conscious and still very powerful forces, like your Lymes bacteria, who are reeking havock as they try to maintain power and control.
    I wish I could find better words to convey how powerfully your blog, your sharing and the profound challenge you are living is impacting me and helping to integrate my thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a way that truly both humbles and uplifts me. I hope my prayers and Tonglen practices can in some small way help uplift you. Deepest gratitude and love Nikki 🙂

  6. *Hugs* I will be praying, sending you love and light. I have begun to wonder (especially after reading the list of symptoms) if I could have lyme. When I read your post about finding the tick on you when you were little… that happened to me, too. It was on my head for days until I finally decided ‘if this is a scab, it’s coming Off’ and when I pulled it off, it was a live and wiggling tick. Were you tested for lyme earlier and it wasn’t found? Because I’ve been tested and was told I didn’t have it. However, I’ve read that blood tests are not entirely effective at finding it. Any help would be appreciated. I am exceedingly frustrated at not knowing what is keeping me ill.
    Love
    Mia

  7. Morning Nic – you do what you need to do – so its surgery – there are times when we need to work with conventional medicine – so this time has come for you. You have worked on yourself for so many years and your attitude and positive clear thinking and your attunement to the spirit world will look after you. You will receive love and blessings from so many areas of your life you will be bombarded with nothing but good wishes,love and blessings. You know where I am and if you need anything please let me know. Love and light to you <3 <3 <3

  8. Hi Nicole,
    Your post has brought me to tears, I had you in my prayers this morning and reading this I understand why. Seeing as modern medicine saved my life I am with you, what frustrates me is that it so often as you have found the Drs are so blinkered and in your case have taken so long to see clearly what is going on with you.
    I will continue sending you healing love and energy and prayers.
    Please let me know if I can help in any way and thanks for keeping up posted your courage is truly inspiring
    All me love xxx

  9. Dear Nicole,
    Sometimes, when an avalanche of horrible challenges threaten to rip us to shreds, this is when that warrior goddess deep within us comes out to fight, with every ounce of sheer will that she can muster. Recognizing that there are (and will be) days when even she is spent, this is when her sister goddesses rally on her behalf, sending prayers and love her way. And on it goes.
    With the skills and expertise of the medical staff who are treating you, the love and support of your family and friends, the prayers and warm thoughts of all your cyber buddies, and your very own tenacity, resilience and spirit — I fervently believe that you will persevere.
    I raise my glass of wine to you and pray that you will triumph over this insidious disease.
    Best,
    Heather xo

  10. Nicole, thank you for sharing this latest instalment in your journey. You are one strong woman so take care and know that many of us will be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. We are grateful to and give thanks for the doctors you have been led to because they are now using their specific gifts and talents for healing. Floating is a wonderful past-time, whether it be in the ocean, on a lake or in our minds taking us above the clouds – floating is so relaxing but also invigorating. Embrace it. Lots of love and light, Mitch. xox

  11. Dear Dear Nicole, such a battle your poor body has endured and what grace you have shown during this battle. You and your health are a shining example of grace, you are an inspiration to all of us in our daily struggles. My take on medicine and modern day doctors is that they were given the talents and dedication to help us, alternative medicine has it’s place along side the genius of this world’s medical talent. It is there for you and for all of us, bless you and I am taking on board the message you were given from the owl this morning, and will Trust! xxxxxxx

  12. Nicole you are one AMAZING lady, I love starting my day with your blog and yes modern medicine has it’s place along side our spiritual, they both work so well togeather. You are in my thoughts and prayers and much devine love to you xxxx

  13. HI Nicole I read your blog this morning and like so many others, my heart wept for you. I admire you , your strength , courage, you have so much love in your being that you are willing to share. You are much loved I am sure. Alternative medicine is wonderful ,so is conventional medicine and clever doctors. So do what is right for you and I do pray that this will be a turning point for healing. Bronwen

    Date: Mon, 6 May 2013 19:58:36 +0000 To: spiritsisters@hotmail.com

  14. Love frome Sherbrooke, Québec up over in the spring wheather. Here, we have a renounded psychologist who suffered from a advance hard to treat cancer. He still alive and in energy. He took the general medecine and added all the others treatments and new age therapies that made sense to him.
    So if you have to have a big operation so be it. Prepare your self the best you can to fight this battle and take all that can help you after too. Fight one battle after another, one day at a time.

    Let us know when and we will send you good energies to support you.

    Love and Light

    Chantal Forest xxx

  15. I’m sitting here wanting to say something, but everything seems so banal. I wholeheartedly agree – do whatever it takes.

    Many loving thoughts and prayers go your way. xxxxx

  16. Amen Sister!!! I love it when you tell it like it is. Who can make sense of this journey I have given up trying and am enjoying the moment and taking each day as it comes. I’m just glad that via your blog there’s a little bit of you in each of my days. Stay strong, sending love, kisses and big hugs xoxoxo

  17. Yikes! Oh, Nicole, good luck! We’re all cheering for you, and yes, use all conventional and alternative medicine that clicks with you. Doesn’t matter whether a physical health problem is emotionally or physically based — if a conventional treatment appears and you are okay with using it, go for it. That’s what matters, that *you* want to do it. <3

  18. Dear Nicole sounds so tough now to have to face surgery on top of everything else….but the doctors seem to finally get you and your illness….sometimes like you say we have to go with the flow and try not to be rigid fearful and strugling….surgery would strike the fear of god in you (one!)..but lay back and allow the embrace and intervention of the skilled surgeon and the no nonsence but kind skilled attitudes and hands of your nurses. When really ill (in my experience with family) nurses are just the salt of the earth..course they sometimes dont suffer fools gladly with pains in their big toe or vague mild aches of various sorts in varied places. You have been and are so ill (I imagine) and surgery again in my imaginings is a case of remove or rebuild but could bring huge benefits…..sending you much love and a final thought Nicole…..morphine is just the buisness smiles..xxxx

  19. Nicole, You are very brave and courageous. Like you say sometimes life can be overwhelming with the things that happen to us. Be that as it may we need to go on. You have proved time and again that nothing is going to stop you living an awesome life.Your love for life and giving to others is such an inspiration. Many of us who read your blog send you love. After all LOVE is the key to life. Through that love we have connection which is what we all seek whether we know it or not. You are loved by all of us who care.<3

  20. Dearest Nicole, some doctors and nurses are healers. I hope you find them and they find you. You deserve the best care. Wish it was Harry and I looking after you! We would have made you feel better. Hold onto that spark of hope and love. Everyone is looking out for you as you give so much. It’s time for you to receive. Thinking of you. Let us know how the surgery goes. Much love, Jo and family.

  21. No words… just will have you in my prayers and heart and your family too. My Aloha always Patty

  22. Oh my ! you poor lady I can not imagine what you are going though . I will have you in my thoughts today and realize my problems are sooooo tiny compared to yours …you take care .
    Cherry xxxxx

  23. Your generous spirit, bravery and courage is commendable; you are so-o-o-o in my thoughts. Sending huge love XXX

  24. Well, yes. Scientific method by itself is inadequate- I read yesterday that giving to charity indicated a “glitch” in our rational thinking- but the people devising these treatments and researching what goes wrong with bodies, and how to make it better, seek Truth and practical solutions to problems. How blessed we are to live at this time!

  25. Nicole, thank you for sharing your life stories with us. You reach out and touch our souls, our imaginings, our greatest fears and invoke feelings of compassion, empathy and love for another who has pain beyond most people’s endurance, your life gives strength to us, as we face own everyday life battles. I love your farm !!!!! God bless you Nicloe

  26. Sending you so much love. I am so sorry to hear that it has taken such a high cost to your health to have doctors finally believe you. Please don’t stop blogging. Your serenity and wisdom helps keep those of us in our own ‘one thing after another’ moments sane and balanced. Thank you for sharing all that you do. Continue to love and tenderly care for yourself!!

  27. Every blog entry you write is a treasured gift to the Universe we comprise. Your honesty, creativity, and willingness to share your journey is singular. Sometimes I can feel how hard you struggle to post an entry, and that entry is even more layered with meaning considering you have posted through pain. Please know how much your writing has helped me and perhaps countless others, especially those to whom I often forward your wise words. Godspeed, dear Nicole. May the ordeal you now contemplate turn out to be less onerous and more healing than described.

  28. Hi Nicole,
    There is a time for allopathic medicine just as there is a time for homeopathic. I trust that your instincts are fine tuned and you know what your body needs. I’m thinking of you.

  29. Dearest Nicole — you are a beacon of Light and inspiration … your courage, and honesty in sharing with us shows amazing strength and insight. Prayers and healing energies continue coming your way from across the miles. xo

  30. Dear Nicole,

    Beaming you up! You bring such radiance to the world (even if I know you only through the cyber one). Your blog is so helpful, so inspiring & strong – like you, I am certain.

    M

  31. It sounds like you are very consciously walking the leg of your journey you’re on right now. Your last statement stood out to me: “There are rich blessings in this journey. And so much to be grateful for. It’s all a matter of perspective.” I feel this is true. 🙂 I look forward to your future post in which you’re able to share your healing experience. Love & Light, Dani

  32. If the surgery brings you some relief, then go for it. Allopathic medicine has its purposes. If you were hit by a car, no one would say pray and clear on it rather than seeing a doctor! Same thing here. Take care of yourself. Good luck with the surgery.

  33. Try EVERYTHING. Do whatever you think is best for you. YOU get to decide. I’m flabbergasted by your courage and endurance and strong will. I think of you every single day. You’re in my prayers. You inspire me. Keep us posted on the date and time of your surgery so we can all stop whatever we’re doing and send you LOVE. ((((((((((HUG)))))))))) xox

  34. Nicole, I just saw this post (I dropped my laptop and it had to be repaired –ergh!). You do whatever you have to do to heal and stay sane during this unspeakably difficult challenge. I continue to pray for your massive healing and peace of mind. You are an amazing woman. –Lucinda xo

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