Looking Back at Me

Looking Back Through Time by Lady Victoire Deviantart.com
Looking Back Through Time by Lady Victoire Deviantart.com

“We look back on our life as a thing of broken pieces, because our mistakes and failures are always the first to strike us, and outweigh in our imagination what we have accomplished and attained.”
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Maxims and Reflections


It’s odd, this process of writing about yourself. Seldom do we truly take the time to look back on our lives without being caught in the emotion of the moment, or the memories.

I need to be objective now, to get my facts right as I finish the job of editing this memoir. I’m sifting through old diaries, notebooks, photographs and scraps of paper.

I held some photos in my lap today. I can’t share them with you. To do so would be to trespass the privacy of others, long gone from my life.

I have few photographs of myself. I’d always thought myself so ugly. I’ve been entirely self-conscious, and as this strange unnamed illness (that turned out to be Lyme) progressed through my late teens and early twenties I hid more and more from the lens.

But here they are, these frozen moments in time. What strikes me is that the me I see is so different to the way I’d remembered myself. There was grace there. Elegance even. My own fresh young beauty. And so much hope, still. So much hope in those eyes of mine. So much life and love and emotion.

It made me fall in love with myself. It broke me open with tenderness.

How I wish all of us could reach back through time and whisper in our own ears that we are beautiful, and precious, so that we might live more fully and be more emboldened in our choices.

Too late for the past, but not for today. As I lay down to sleep tonight I will whisper that truth. I am beautiful. I am precious. My dreams are important. It’s never too late…

Hi! I'm Nicole Cody. I am a writer, psychic, metaphysical teacher and organic farmer. I love to read, cook, walk on the beach, dance in the rain and grow things. Sometimes, to entertain my cows, I dance in my gumboots. Gumboot dancing is very under-rated.
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9 thoughts on “Looking Back at Me

  1. To not show us the photographs, was in fact more empowering that to shows us , because the images are left to our imagination . I am exactly the same as you I hate my image on camera . But do you know you are right I will look back at myself with a different eye .
    Such a lovely post

  2. wow is there something in the air or the water- just this morning I wrote in my journal. no more hiding, it’s time to start and shine let go and soar. I was reminded of mirror work that I encourage others to do that i had let slip. So I love, you Suzie is back on my morning agenda with hello gorgeous today will be fun, Thank you, you truly are a blessing in my life love Suzie

  3. Yes can totally relate. Just didn’t appreciate or even really ‘see’ myself as I was – Inner Critic was too busy pointing out the faults. xx

  4. it made me feel bittersweet reading your blog today. I have done exactly the same thing. Looked at photos of my young self and thought actually how lovely I looked and how innocent and full of hopes and dreams. If only someone had come along and shaken me and said you’re wonderful – stop being so insecure! how much of our precious lives do we waste thinking we aren’t good enough?

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