Soul Mates – How to Recognise One

A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle

You might wonder what a Soul Mate relationship feels like, what it looks like, and how you’ll know…

Let’s start by looking at what a Soul Mate relationship is not.

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A Soul Mate will not share every view, feel as you do about everything in the Universe, or be your clone.

A Soul Mate relationship will not be about never arguing.

It will not be about perfection.

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A Soul Mate is not some strange sort of parasitic or unhealthy dependency where you simply can’t survive without them in your life, or where they love you all up and suck you dry, before discarding you to move onto someone fresh.

A Soul Mate relationship won’t be categorised by fear, relentless pain, uncertainty, a feeling of being trapped, or a sense of impending doom.

It won’t be an abusive relationship.

It won’t be a relationship that belittles you, puts you down, discredits or dishonours you. It won’t be a relationship that puts doubts in your head until you begin to question your own judgement, and where your confidence and esteem erode, little by little, until you are weak and frail – a shell of who you were before. You won’t need to keep earning the other person’s love, or proving yourself.

Image from contentinacottage.blogspot

So what does a Soul Mate relationship look like?

First and foremost, it is always categorised by love.  Not vain love or showy love – but the sort of enduring and deepening love that allows you to grow, together, into something stronger, better and wiser than you were before.

Soul Mate relationships endure – they allow us to suffer the pain, and find a way, together, to move forward. In the presence of love we learn forgiveness, acceptance, compassion.

They bring out the best in us.  They give us comfort, friendship, support, and (often at the most unexpected times) fireworks in our bellies. They help us know laughter, and tears, they help us find the strength in ourselves and in each other.

With a Soul Mate we feel safe, and that safety gives us courage to wander far from home, creating and exploring and enacting our dreams.

Soul Mates believe in us, they’ll fight for us, and they’ll call us on it when we’re mistaken, or heading in the wrong direction. They love us when we have done nothing to deserve it, and when we feel totally unworthy of love, and they remind us to take care of ourselves, while caring for us when we can’t.

And at times, they’ll annoy us or frustrate us so much that we’ll wonder why we didn’t choose the other person. We’ll wish they’d just take a hike and leave us well alone. But in the next breathe we’ll know how miserable we’d be without them in our lives.

The relationship, like yourself, will always be a work in progress, ever changing, ever evolving, at times difficult, sometimes even strained to the point where you momentarily  find it hard to recognise yourself or each other. But it will also have the familiarity and comfort of home. And in the arms of this relationship you’ll know two things – love and safety. More importantly, you’ll get to know your true self.

A Soul Mate will spilt your heart open and you won’t even mind the pain because of all the love and joy you find there.

Can they really be your Soul Mate if you argue?

I grew up in a house where I never heard my parents fight. Sadly, their marriage didn’t last, but it made me certain that arguing was not a part of anything to do with love.

After I had my very first major and quite vocal disagreement (yep, some people would call that a fight…) with my husband, just weeks after we’d been married, I sat on the internal staircase of our house and cried, while my husband went outside to wash the car.

My beautiful Guide, Rollo, spoke to me, and asked, ‘Do you know what a Soul Mate relationship is?’

‘Obviously not!’ I snivelled, feeling totally pathetic and like I’d just made the biggest mistake of my life in getting married. I was sure Rollo was going to confirm that for me too.

Instead he showed me a picture of an oyster. ‘Do you know what happens when a tiny grain of sand gets into that oyster?’ he asked.

‘No,’ I sniffed.

‘It irritates the hell out of the oyster’ my Guide boomed, laughter in his voice.

Exactly, I thought. Irritates the hell out of it.

‘And in the presence of love, the oyster wraps that irritation in a special substance and after a while the pain goes away.’

I felt my Guide smiling at me. ‘Then the tide turns, and that annoying grain of sand moves somewhere else in the oyster, and do you know what happens?’

‘No,’ I replied, slow on the uptake.

‘That grain of sand causes more irritation in a different spot. But if love is present, love keeps wrapping itself around the irritation. The oyster grows, and over time the oyster transforms that grain of sand, in the presence of love, into something of great value and lasting beauty.  That oyster grows a pearl.  Without the irritation and the need to grow, nothing extraordinary would have ever happened.  But when love is present, magical transformation is possible.’

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I could have hugged Rollo. My wise Guide was absolutely right.  I stopped crying and went into the kitchen to make my husband a cup of tea.

It’s true.  Love transforms.  It helps us weather many storms.  It grows us.  It improves us. It comforts us and delights us. And at some stage it causes us pain (usually BECAUSE we love), and love helps us bear that pain. The pain doesn’t weaken us – it strengthens us.  And from that pain we grow into something beautiful.

Rumi, the great poet says it best:

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 

Double love hearts at sunset by Pink Sherbet Photography

Hi! I'm Nicole Cody. I am a writer, psychic, metaphysical teacher and organic farmer. I love to read, cook, walk on the beach, dance in the rain and grow things. Sometimes, to entertain my cows, I dance in my gumboots. Gumboot dancing is very under-rated.
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58 thoughts on “Soul Mates – How to Recognise One

  1. I’ve had a turbulent relationship for a long long time, we always find our way back to each other. Lately I’ve been confused about whether it is a Karmic relationship or one of Twin Souls. Although this doesn’t really solve my puzzle, it’s given me a lot of hope and a new perspective. Thank you 🙂

  2. This is a beautiful, hopeful post. I’d like to think a soul connection is still available to me, but I don’t count on it. Still, it’s pretty to think so.

  3. You’ve chosen some lovely images, I especially like the wee green peas! That made me think of my soulmate, whom I met aged 23. I think I was incredibly lucky to meet someone like that so young and it’s allowed me to view other relationships from a very secure standpoint. I’ve made plenty of mistakes of course, and it’s tough for other relationships to match up to the soulmate one, but I wouldn’t swap it for anything. When you find your soulmate, appreciate just how special that gift is and always respect it, would be my advice. Great post!

    1. That’s great news, thanks Nicole! I did think my husband might be another one but it turns out he wasn’t, which was a great pity. In the beginning when everything’s new and wonderful you can get a bit confused about such things, I guess, but time will tell, won’t it? It’d be lovely to meet another one. There was someone I thought was a soul mate but we split up in a fairly dramatic way, and it just wasn’t right, but years down the line we’re good friends again. Perhaps for some things the timing has to be right, too, or do you think that’s irrelevant when it comes to a true soul mate? It can be so difficult to see things from a helpful perspective when you’re stuck in the middle of it with so much going on.

    2. Who can ever have perspective when they are in the thick of something? This is encouraging me to write another post on karmic relationships and soul groups… I have a little notebook filling up with blog ideas! Much love to you xx

  4. Hi Nicole,
    Reminded me of my ‘reading’ I had with you a few years ago. I’m still missing the ‘fireworks in the belly’ though… Might be time to see you again. Love, Richie

  5. Best blog yet, but maybe that’s because it’s what I needed to hear right at this moment. Sondra Ray says, “Love brings up everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing.” So true. .

  6. Hi Nicole, I think a lot of people mistake other soul connections for soulmate love relationships. Certainly that’s been the case for me and something I’d like to write about one day. It might be another future blog topic too 🙂
    A lovely post as always. I feel as though I am living this now and it is absolutely wonderful!!
    Thanks for everything xxx

  7. Thanks Nicole! Learning to be a good soul mate is an interesting process too. Also, seeing when others are ready or not; i.e., if they are willing to grow through the pain or bail out and move on, as you noted.

  8. Wow this is a really gorgeous way to look at the ups and downs of our soulmates. Thankyou Nicole I really love reading what you write. xx

  9. Well said. This is what I believe, too. You put my thoughts into lovely words. Your guide sounds wonderful. You have a gift for communicating in a way that is easy to understand, yet filled with great wisdom. Lovely blog. 🙂 Sam

  10. I have a question.Why is it that with every new relationship in our life, we become more and more vulnerable because our own ‘self’ is divided between all those relationships, and we feel we will loose us if we loose them?If love makes us strong, then why it makes us vulnerable?Is it because we are selfish, we don’t realize that we are living with a part of another’s ‘self’ too?

    1. Yeah, and infatuation and crush are so one-sided and a bit like fairy floss (cotton candy) – one rain shower and they dissolve into nothingness, no matter how sweet they tasted. True love endures storms.

  11. Beautiful post – thanks Nicole 🙂
    I share deep love and a powerful soul connection with my husband, but man alive does he push my buttons sometimes! … and I wouldn’t have it any other way 😉

  12. Beautiful Nicole and great reminder for me as I’ve just met my gorgeous soulmate at age 50 and he feels like home …. I’m blessed and blessed and reminded that the oyster journey with him is just the beginning ….

  13. Gosh, do I relate to every word in this post! Have been through every one of those not-soulmate-believing-it-is relationships until I finally found a way to have a really loving relationship with myself. Now, I really do have that soulmate relationship built on mutual honoring, respect, and holding our visions of each other as whole and perfective even through the tough times. Thanks for a beautiful, wise, and thoughtful post. And, thank you, Rollo, for a marvelous metaphor!

  14. Oh I needed to hear this Nicole. Thank you. I LOVE Rumi’s words so much too. Truly beautiful. I have heard that there is a difference between soul mates and twin flames (or something like that) Is this true? Much love to you as always xx

    1. Thank you for another lovely post. I would love it if you would write about twin flames, I think I may be dealing with a TF situation at the moment and am seeking as much information as I can find! xx

  15. Just love this post! Thank you Nicole, and Rollo is so wise and such fun at the same time. I love it!! Lynxx

  16. Rollo knows what he’s talking about. Soulmates aren’t here to make our lives smooth sailing, they’re here to help us change for the better and see things differently, even if it’s a real drag.

    Thanks for a great post!

  17. as usual the perfect post for the perfect day…I really love your writing….your topics…your words. Everyday I do your heart meditation..and the deep pain and sadness is fading…and in it’s place a deep knowing that I am worthwhile of a loving spiritual relationship. I will wait patiently for my Beloved Soul Mate to find me….or for me to find him in my travels. So be it….XX

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